I'm home alone with my puppies.
I just took dinner and in the silence I could think.
While I was eating I had all kind of thoughts, so I decided to write here.
I ate some fish my mom left home for me.
She bought it already cooked at the fish stand of the market yesterday morning.
It didn't taste good.
I was thinking it was annoying, then I remembered something.
That fish, gave his life for become my food. I should at least be grateful of it!
So I felt like crying, once again, and it's weird but the taste of the fish turned better.
I also remembered that someone... A friend, who is a chef, the past year told me that when he kills fish or other sea animals for cooking them at the restaurant where he works, he feels really bad...
So, someone that works there as dishwasher, and he's a native american, taught him a prayer for thanking and saying sorry to all the animals who die for becoming our food. I thought it was great, even though I still feel bad for them...
Speaking about it, that friend is someone who really hurt me. He isn't anymore in my life since November of the past year.
He was the kind of person who came back to town after 10 years spent working in another city, and randomly entered in my life careless. Then, after we were close and having asked for my help he disappeared, and re-came back after few months.
Then, after becoming really close to me, bringing back a lot of thing of the past, and having totally used me for solving all his problems...
(Because I was stupid enough to do everything I could for helping a friend, even though my health sucked and my situation wasn't so good)
Anyway, after all these things, he disappeared definitely, leaving me alone few days before my birthday, without saying a single "thank you" or explaining why he suddenly got cold and distant before to disappear.
Well, I'm going out of the topic so... Where we was?
Oh yeah, at my New Year's Eve dinner LOL
Before, I said "I felt like crying once again". Yep, because in these days I feel so sad, and I got easily mad. It's not because I'm alone this night, I'm used to it, plus, this year it was my choice. I really don't mind to be together with my puppies, I think it's the best instead ^^
The feeling of sadness is gave from the fact I haven't did anything good in this year that is going to finish. I don't like myself, I don't have any confidence, so I couldn't do anything.
It's not the world fault, it's not my country situation's fault, it's just me, who hasn't been strong enough to step forward and make my own future, my own life.
I know, but I haven't the guts of admitting it, so I keep on despising myself
deep insight, and getting angry and sad.
I'm so stupid and useless...
I hate that my parents always considered me as the "Stupid, ugly and useless" one,
but... They were right..
I always said I prefer the truth, said face to face...
But I guess this is the only case I would have liked that they lied.
I would have liked that they pretended to love me for giving me the self confidence and the strength to face my life.
Putting all these depressing things aside, I want to say anyway "Thank you" to this year.
Because as I always thought, everything happens for some reason, even though maybe we can't understand the true reason when that thing happens...
So, for this year 2014, I think it's the same...
Right now I feel like there wasn't anything good for me on this year, but...
Maybe there was, and I still can't see it...
So, Year 2014, thank you!
Speaking about the change of the year...
I don't know how old I was when I heard about this thing but...
This is the representation I always liked about the change of the year:
The old year, is a reeeally old man with long white hair and beard.
He's so tired, slow and weak, and he's gonna die. But he's not scared about death,
because he has come across his path.
In the moment he will die, a baby will born: The new year.
This baby will grow day by day, becoming a kid, a teenager, a man, an old man...
Until he will die on the next december.
So, this is the representation I like about the year... But... I always felt bad for the poor old man...
"Why he has to die?!" I always thought.
Well, I'm the kind of person who felt bad about a lot of things...
For example when I ate vegetables or fruits I ask myself: "And if this vegetable/fruit can feel the pain, and I'm making it suffer while I'm eating it?"
Or when I throw away some object, I think "What if it feels sad because I'm trowing it away?"
Yep I'm a weirdo...
After all what we know? Maybe they really have feelings and we don't know...
Ok, let's stop here with these kind of speakings or I'll never end this thing...
I was here for saying "thank you" isn't it?
So, it's better if I do it.
My "thank you" is for all the creatures living and not living who had part in my life during this year, but here I'll wrote only the persons who have a LJ for simplify the things.
Thank you for the first friends I met in the fandom, years ago.
jemjem86 , thank you to be my friend. Even though we had tempestous periods and sometimes we haven't understood each other we're still here! I think it's great.
silentkat76 , cyloveyourself thank you very much for being my friends, for dealing everyday with me, with my annoyng requests about the fansub, and not saying me "just goes to the hell" LOL
You're really so kind, girls!
Oh, right, thank you also to all the persons who follow our fansub.
Thank you to the Madozoku members I got to know during the last years...
hikaeru , you already know how much I like and respect you as person, and I'm so happy to be your friend!
Thank you for everything! 本当に本当に本当に本当に (PS: You're a great teacher!)
drowsy_observer , you know I love you, right? We ended up being similar and liking the same things, so it always was simple to talk, to rant and everything else! Thank you to be my friend, and part of my life!
yararanger , you're just so cute that I can't! Thank you to be yourself as the person you are! And sorry for always sounding weird and annoying... I'm the kind of person who makes a lot of messes trying to be helpful for people >.<
raven_weasley , you're a person so funny and interesting! Thank you to be always so friendly with me <3
I hope we'll end up knowing each other more during 2015!
yoki_seity , thank you to always say "thank you" to someone like me, who doesn't deserve so much kindness!
Thank you to all the fandom friends! Guys, you made up my days when I was in a bad period...
I was able to keep on living thank you to your support!
shisaigas , thank you for all our "deep" talks about all sort of things and all you're suggestions! It's been so fun! I hope we will keep on like that ^^
himaori , thank you so much for all you taught me and for being a so nice friend! And also for understanding my "weird" way to be a fans!
sky_fish7 , thank you for always be so warm and cheerful with me! You're such a sweet person! I hope we'll be friends for looong loong time ne~
niji_bunny , thank you for everything, really! I miss you, and I hope you're doing fine, finding your answers and your path. Stay healthy and take care, please... Wherever you are!
tomapiya , thank you for your huge kindness! You're so nice with everyone that it's so easy be friend with you!
hakucchan, thank you for having been always so nice with me even though I asked weird questions and made weird talks!
Thank you also to all the people I ended up knowing only recently! I hope in the next year we'll know each other more!
rosa_elefante , yukiko_no_niji , ichigo_85 , mizuki_ichigou , naryabutterfly and all the others!
Thank you guys!!
I'm counting on you for the 2015 too!!
So... I think no one will read all this thing from the beginning to the end but...
If someone will do it, thank you! And sorry if you find typos or grammar mistakes...
I haven't beta readed what I wrote, and I'm half asleep LOL
I wish all of you a great 2015!
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!